Photo by Orange_Beard

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” Ralph Nichols

“Dad, can I talk to you about something really important?”

“Go right ahead. I’m listening,” (fidgets with his new cool phone, trying to figure out his way through the menus, eyes intently on the screen).

“It’s about my grades…”

“What did you do this time?! Do you realize how…”

“Dad, I haven’t said anything yet. My grades are fine except for one that really needs work. Do you mind if I spend the night over at Ben’s with a couple of classmates to…”

“Slack it off while your grades are falling like the Dow did yesterday? We’ve just lost a significant amount of savings, part of which is your college fund and now you’re thinking of having a cool time with your good-for-nothing friends?!”

“Sigh!” (Looks at his dad’s phone) “Cool toy, must have cost you a fortune.”

“Huh? Oh, well, yeah! It’s cool. I can access the Internet and stuff. Makes me do a lot of things anytime, anywhere…yada! Yada! Yada…”

The world is replete with such regretful examples of neglect. We take people’s need to be listened to empathetically and sincerely for granted, not realizing what they meant as we unconsciously immerse ourselves in a lot of distractions. The need to feel important is a very basic human nature that you and I share. (Who do you look at first when staring at a class picture where you were a part of?) This very basic need can be satisfied by a couple of ways including praise and being listened to with empathy and sincerity.

A quick note on empathy and sincerity: Listening is just not enough. As opposed to just hearing, a physiological function perceiving sounds, effective listening involves a very conscious effort to figure out the meaning of words spoken by another person. Again, listening involves a very conscious effort to figure out the meaning of words spoken by another person. So much more than that, effective listening involves empathy, a deep understanding of another person’s feelings. We see strong examples of empathy on funerals where friends and relatives deeply feel the emotions of the bereaving person. The other ingredient of effective listening is sincerity, a genuine agreement of how the other person feels at the moment, free from any pretense and hypocrisy. Empathy and sincerity help you, the listener, get into the mind and heart of the person speaking, determining the true meaning of the speaker while really feeling his emotions.

As mentioned, listening involves a conscious effort on our part to really get the true feelings and emotions of the speaker. However, environmental and intrapersonal factors get in the way of effective listening. Visual distractions such as pictures hanging around the room, people around you, clothes worn distractingly funny, television, etc., can easily take our attention away when in a conversation. Auditory distractions may also get in the way like a music that you can’t resist listening to, an explosion, a breaking news (hold your thought, honey, I’ve got to listen to this), etc. Perhaps one of the most destructive distractions is the intrapersonal factors, the one that goes on in the listener’s mind. This is our own prejudices of what we hear, the things that we imagine and interpret while someone is talking or any other thoughts outside the conversation.

Here are some quick ways to make a conversation productive and to be able to effectively derive someone’s true meaning and feelings as accurately as possible:

• Shut up! Again, SHUT UP and don’t interrupt. Let the speaker do the talking and don’t let out your unsolicited interpretation unless you want to clear something out.
• Your eyes on his. Maintaining eye contact gives you clues as to what the speaker really feels at the moment. The eyes can tell so much more than words.
• Move to a quieter place. If possible move to a place where there are no or very little visual distractions such as painting on the wall or a television set. They could easily get you eyes and mind off the speaker. You may also want to turn your cell phone for a little bit.
• Ask a question when something said is not clear or vague. Asking helps you verify the true meaning of a word “When you said he you meant your husband is that correct?” Asking also helps the speaker specify a point. The word “many” is vague. Help the speaker specify by asking “how many exactly?” Be careful not to interrupt, though. If possible ask questions when the speaker is through and don’t ask stupid questions just for the sake of asking.
• Paraphrasing is also a powerful tool when attempting to clarify a statement. It also assures the speaker that you are listening all along. (More on paraphrasing in the next posts.)

There you have it. Effective listening is a skill that really needs some practicing. Effective and successful leaders cannot do without it. From now on, when someone comes to you in a very pensive mood, turn yourself into listening mode and tell yourself “Someone needs to be listened to. It’s time for me now to exert conscious effort to shut up and listen.”